We usually bathe our 6-year-old son every second night. But sometimes we just don’t wanna, and we use (increasingly ridiculous) justifications for skipping it.

He went swimming today

He was IN water so that must have done some level of cleaning, right? At least he’ll smell clean if it was a chlorinated pool. Parents of the year!

It rained today

Water literally fell from the sky! Like a shower. Surely he got wet enough that a bath is no longer necessary. Oh, it rained overnight? Bah, details!

Wet wipes will do the trick

Ah, good ol’ wet wipe “bath”. As long as we get the important parts. Bum, bird, pits as we used to say (in Canada). And as one reader pointed out (thanks Kevin), the dirty legs that boys inevitably come home with.

He drank water today

Kids spill water on themselves all the time. Maybe he gave himself a pseudo-bath already!

Tomorrow isn’t a school day

If he’s just staying home, it doesn’t really matter if he takes a bath, does it? It’s mostly for show so his teachers don’t judge us. Bare necessities!

I saw the dog licking him

Dogs bathe themselves with their tongue so that means our son technically got a bath right? Sort of?

We’ll just cut his fingernails

Dirty fingernails are a tell-tale sign that a kid probably didn’t have a bath last night. But we clipped his nails, so that evidence is now gone.

Tomorrow is Sunday and he should really bathe before school on Monday

Let’s say he had a bath on Tuesday and Thursday. Saturday night rolls around but oh no, that means he won’t get a bath before school on Monday. Consecutive nights? Nah let’s postpone.

We’re lazy assholes who would rather look at our phones

But can you really blame us? This is so much fun...