My youngest son is now 7 months old and it seems like so long ago that we were in the trenches of babydom (even though at the time it felt like there couldn’t possibly be an end in sight). I thought it at the time and still think it now: babies — I’m talking 2 months old and younger — are terrible at everything.

The basics of staying alive can be difficult for them.

Seriously, how did humans even survive as a species? We don’t deserve to be at the top (most of the time) of the food chain.

Baby giraffes drop about 6 feet from their mother’s womb, to the ground. They drop to the earth and about an hour (ONE HOUR) later, they are taking their first steps.

As a comparison, human babies can’t reliably do any of the following things, even a couple of months after dropping not-6-feet-onto-the-ground:


Whether breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, you’ll often notice that your baby can’t seem to latch properly. Sometimes they even forget how to swallow, choosing instead to gulp, gasp and/or choke. And don’t get me started on those tiny hands constantly blocking your attempts to nourish them and keep them ALIVE!

Seriously, get your friggin’ hands out of the way! You’re not helping, baby. I got this, now please put those wrinkly things away.


You’d think that babies could at least be counted on to excrete their body’s waste products, right? You’d be wrong, my friend. Sometimes, getting a baby to poop requires probiotics, a variety of drops, tummy massage, prayer (if you’re into that sort of thing) and even a “rain” dance. Luckily this rain doesn’t fall from the sky, although…

Did you wanna maybe push some of that grossness outta your body now? No? You’d rather wait until the most inopportune time, and do it in the grossest possible fashion? Cool cool.


You’ve probably heard the old adage that all babies do is eat, poop and sleep. We’ve already established that the first 2 don’t come as easily as parents would hope. Well, sleep is the real kicker. Babies “should” sleep approximately…haha, just kidding, there’s no normal or expected amount of sleep. You’ve been (or are being) lied to.

The range is anywhere from 8 to 19 hours. Some babies nap during the day and others will have none of that. Some babies sleep quite a bit at night and others are here to make you question every decision you’ve made that has brought you to this point in your life.

Ok, we can do this. Let’s walk a little, no? Ok, ummm…let’s sit in the rocking ch…nope, not having that. Bounce on an exercise ball? Ahhh…there we go…

And when they do fall asleep you can be sure that you will have left your phone juuuuuuust out of reach, and you will then be trapped under your gurgling mound of don’t-you-dare-move-a-muscle-or-all-hell-breaks-loose.