As a parent, there are certain things you hear every day. Some of those, you probably hear many times a day. Here’s a list of utterances (and sounds) that my ears could do without, even just for 24 hours.

1) Daddy…

This is inevitably followed by my son wanting something from me. Often times, it’s one of the following things that he wants.

2) Hey lookit…

Very rarely is asking me to look at anything that is at all important or more pressing than whatever I’m doing at the time.

Example: A “trick” he’s doing with his Tech Deck skateboards. Cool, but I’ve seen it. We’re good now.

3) Daddy, watch this…

Similar to “hey lookit” but this is usually something he’s going to do that he wants me to watch. Like throw a pool noodle into a tree or put yogurt on a cracker.

4) Did you see that?

Very frequently it’s one of the above-mentioned things that he’s already done, and wondering if I saw. Most times, I’m not even looking in his general direction when he asks (and you know, I often say “yeah…that’s awesome buddy”).

5) Can I watch something?

Ugh. The dreaded question. My son loves watching. Granted he usually (though not as much as he used to) watches things that are either educational or tolerable. Still, he asks WAY too much. Like, dude, we haven’t forgotten that you always wanna watch something. You’ll know when it’s OK for you to do it (i.e. we’re tired and have no more fucks left to give).

6) Can I play Mario Run?

Mario Run is evil. For the longest time, I’d only let him watch me play it sometimes. Then I thought I’d download it onto his iPod and let him play. He’s a mature 6 years old, but man does this game get into his head. We’re definitely taking a break for a couple of days. When the kid starts crying over losing toads in Toad Rally, I think we need to decompress a little.

7) Awwwwhnnn… (like the disappointed awwwhnnnn)

Argh! That damn awwwwhnnnn, whining-disappointed sound. Awwwhhnnnn, I don’t wanna eat a waffle. Awwwwwhnnn, I wanna watch something. Awwwwhnn, I’m not ready for bed.

8) Can you wipe my bum?

95% of the time he wipes his own bum, but sometimes (and we’re usually about as far away and busy as possible) he’ll yell it across the house. Dude, I don’t want to. I CAN, but I’d really rather not. Just take care of your shit.

9) Can I have some sort of dessert-type thing?

He’s now dancing around straight up calling it a dessert. It’s a dessert-type thing, which he somehow thinks makes it a more likely outcome. At least we can now give him things that are sort of like desserts. Here, have a protein drink.

10) Mama…

This kid seriously says “Mama” 2 dozen times a day. As much as it can wear my wife down, I also get tired of hearing it. I’d almost rather hear “Daddy, lookit, did you see that you can wipe my bum while I play Mario Run?” And because it gets to her, that also affects me, because I can sense her increasing intolerance for the dreaded 4-letter word.

11) Can I have a snack/Can you get me a snack?

Sounds innocent enough, right? Kids get hungry and they want their parents to get them a snack. Again, it’s the timing. It’s always when we’re most exhausted, and farthest away from him (typically he’s upstairs and wants us to deliver it).

12) Can I have yogurt and round crackers?

Round crackers are exactly what they sound like. We get them at Trader Joe’s and he’s eaten them since he was young enough that calling them round crackers was cute. Anyway, he ALWAYS wants friggin’ yogurt and gawdamn round crackers.

13) I don’t know what to do

Are you fucking kidding me right now? Do you know how many things there are to do in this house? He has his bedroom, his playroom, the guest/secondary playroom, the backyard, the front yard, blocks, cars, legos, books, drawing supplies, and on and on and on.

14) The sound of packing tape

It just so happens my wife is doing it right now in the other room. It’s so loud that I can hear it from anywhere in the house. And even though it usually means she’s sold a pair of LuLaRoe leggings, thus helping us to recoup the small fortune that was spent on the pants that customers say ‘rip like wet toilet paper’, the sound just destroys me.

15) My 1-year-old crying in the bathtub

He used to love bath time. And it was one of my favorite times with him. We still get in the tub with him, and he used to be so much fun. Now, he starts crying before we even get in. I don’t know what the deal is but I hope it ends soon. I miss happy bath time!

Well, I think that’s it for now. I’m sure I’m missing something but if it comes to me I’ll be sure to add it to the list. Any of these resonate with you, dear reader?


The Day-After Update

Sure enough, the day after writing this piece, I heard 11 of the 15 things. I didn’t heard #2, #5, #7 and #13.